It's about to get personal. More personal than normal, I should say.
I'm tired of being overweight. I'm tired of adjusting my shirts to try to feel less pudgy, tired of not taking clothes out of my pre-pregnancy box. Tired of seeing other fit moms and not feeling like one. TIRED, you guys!
I've sort of half-heartedly tried different things - joined a gym, cancelled the gym; signed up for a 10-week boot camp, skipped two weeks; bought new running shoes, signed up for a half marathon, haven't run very much; bought healthy food, let it go bad, or ate it and then ate the junk I crave. I talk to my family about losing weight every time I see them, and guess what: I haven't lost anything.
I want to wake up and be fifty pounds lighter. I want to tell my pre-pregnancy self to work out and eat better. I want results but I haven't been willing to put in the effort.
SORRY that it's hard, Self. SORRY that you didn't take care of yourself when you were pregnant. SORRY you want to eat ice cream and drown in coke. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
When Natalie is getting into something she shouldn't, or climbing, or dumping her milk out, etc, instead of automatically saying "NO" I say, "Natalie, is that a good choice? Can you make a good choice?" And it usually works - she thinks about it and decides that no, it's not a good choice, and 9 times out of 10 she moves on. I am glad that instead of me just barking at her to stop doing something, she gets to use her own agency (sort of) and choose not to.
I need someone following me around - "Jessie, is that a good choice?" When I'm driving and want to stop at the McDonald's for a $1.07 Coke, when I make cookies or buy ice cream, when I sleep in instead of working out. "Is that a good choice?" No, it's not. And even though I have bad habits and bad self-control, I still have the choice. I can make good choices, even if they are harder and not as fun.
Yes, I'd prefer mac and cheese to grilled chicken. Yes, I want to go to a pizza buffet. Yes, I can eat an entire bag of flamin' hot cheetos. Yes, yes yes yes! But noooo. I'm tired of complaining about my body, I'm sick of feeling depressed when clothes don't fit right and I'm not satisfied in the mirror. Some people can be happy with whatever size they are, and I am a happy person, but I would be dishonest if I said that my weight didn't bother me.
SO! I need your help. What I've been trying to do privately isn't working. I need to swallow my pride and have some accountability, I need people asking me about my progress, I need encouragement! I need upbeat talks, not the discouraging "I wish" statements that I've plagued myself with for the past year. Want to get together? Let's go for a walk! Want to grab lunch? Let's make a chicken dish at home. I can't make excuses anymore, can't justify my habits. ("The kids have been difficult today, I deserve that soda." "I didn't sleep well last night, I should relax instead of working out.)
I want to feel good about myself, and I'm ready. So, Self, repeat after me: Is that a good choice?
(any advice or encouragement is always welcome!)