Monday, August 25, 2014

The Beard Blog

Fact: Every important man in history has had a beard.

Evidence:
Qui-Gon Jinn

Obi-Wan Kenobi
Gandalf
Dumbledore
Uncle Si

Fact: Evil men are more likely to be clean-shaven.

Evidence:

Emperor Palpatine
Sauron
Voldemort
Conclusion: Heroes have beards, and sadistic psychopathic murderers shave everyday.

So, after reaching this conclusion a little over a month ago, I decided I needed a beard. It was the only obvious choice I could make after uncovering such overwhelming evidence. So I grew a beard.
Pretty heroic, right?
But, alas, it grew uncomfortable, and itchy, and Jessie wasn't fond of kissing me anymore, so I decided that it was time to chop it. I wanted to have a little fun doing it, though.
I have wanted to do the sideburns-to-mustache combo since eighth grade when we learned about General Ambrose Burnside in the Civil War.
I'd say the resemblance is pretty striking.
The Hulk Hogan
I think I pull it off a little better.
Dictator stache
And finally...
Jessie-approved, and about 30 years younger.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: now that I'm clean-shaven, have I turned to the dark side? Has the removal of my beard also resulted in the removal of any and all heroic instincts that I had formerly accrued? Well, to answer your question, I would have to say that yes, I do feel distinctly less heroic. I haven't turned psychopathic yet, but give me a few clean-shaven years, and who knows what will happen?

In the meantime, though, I'm just happy that my wife enjoys kissing me again.

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