Monday, October 5, 2015

Attack of the Can Opener

Looks innocent, right? Look a little closer, imagining the screams/knife attacking sounds from Psycho:




Dun dun DUHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate this can opener. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. It has a dull spot and always gives out before you finish opening the can, making you start over but leaving that un-cut spot, and then adding another one again before you finish, leaving you with TWO spots that are still attached and making it impossible to get anything out the can. Nothing works - I've tried all sorts of manipulations/sneak attacks/planning ahead/different techniques and I'm always left to try not to stab myself while painstakingly opening the can with a knife or prying it open with a utensil. I've cut myself way too many times and even if I manage to come out of a can-opening unscathed physically, I end up all huffy and frustrated because it is so inefficient and irritating. Gah! I'm not sure why I don't just go out and buy a new one - I guess I'm afraid that I'll still have can opening problems. Maybe I'll just steal my mom's next time I'm at her house, her can opener is a friend and works every time.

HUG YOUR CAN OPENERS, Y'ALL. APPRECIATE THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE MINE TO DEAL WITH.

The latest saga:

I was making seven layer bean dip for Conference and shuddered when I realized that I had to open TWO cans of refried beans. You can't really make bean dip without beans, so I steeled myself and went to work. Sure enough, the can opener did it's "job" and half opened the can, so I had to wedge a spatula in there to break one of the remaining bonds and open the can.


 AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! It straight up sliced my spatula clean off! I felt like throwing the can opener (or can NON-opener) out the window. Please note the razor edge above and the merciless treatment of the spatula below.


Moral of the story: don't use my can opener. If you have one that works, show it some appreciation. And pray that some day all cans will have the pop-top so we don't even need can openers. When I finally get a replacement, I will craft some punishment befitting of this cruel appliance.

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