Thursday, October 22, 2015

Broken

I've been feeling a little broken lately. I found my groove and then I lost it again. I am comfortable and confident in my mothering, but everything outside of that feels off.

I've had a few piano events lately - a wedding that I had to really prepare for and a vocal competition later this month that requires me to learn an entire binder of challenging music for 12 singers in a very short amount of time - that have stressed me out.

I've had some time-consuming work to do with my church calling in the cub scouts - organizing and manning a car wash fundraiser and planning/setting up/participating in a big pack meeting, plus some important paperwork - that has stretched me in multiple ways.

I've made poor financial decisions in the past and am paying for it now (literally and figuratively), so I'm dealing with the discomfort that only money woes can bring.

I've been having a hard time keeping up with all these responsibilities plus still trying to give service, keep in touch with friends/family, keeping up on the housework and uplifting myself spiritually. I am tired of dealing with the logistics of babysitting, especially with a nursing baby. I find myself relying on visits from my parents to keep me company and push my smoldering moodiness aside.

I've been taking Stockton to speech therapy (which needs to be a separate post) and it's going well, but is still making me emotional in ways I haven't felt before. I've been trying out a local MOPS group but Stockton doesn't do well in the nursery there so I had to leave early, making me wonder if it's even worth it to pay for it/go. I'm still trying (and failing) to lose weight, and looking to food to make me feel better and then feeling guilty for my lack of progress. Vicious cycles all over the place.

I'm sorry to whine, I'm sorry to be a downer, I'm sorry that I've sort of fallen off the social map this month, Nebraska friends. I'm sorry, Austin, that I haven't been doing a good job planning meals and doing the dishes and keeping things tidy. I'm sorry, children, that your mom seems frazzled and out of sorts.

I have to take comfort that I AM DOING MY BEST, truly. I need to be okay with that. Self: you are doing enough!

Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest. I still have so many emotions churning inside and I think it will take time to get my groove back, but I will. I will!


This lamp sums up my current state: broken, but still working. And still shining! Maybe I'll get a new lamp shade. When the kids move out. 

2 comments:

  1. Oh man Jessie, you are doing great girl! Life can be so hard and awful (and then even harder on top of that than you can imagine!) I'm sorry girl, when it rains it pours. You should plan on bringing Natalie over when Stockton does speech, I wouldn't mind watching her at all and she'd probably be a good influence on Max (I'd offer to watching Jack too but one time I watched Carolyn's little David for a couple hours and he was sleeping most of the time and it was still stressful, ha, It was like playing keep away from the bbies for 2 hours). Just keep putting one foot in front of the other girl, you can do this, my mantra for the past year was literally "I CAN DO HARD THINGS". And the groove thing, I get that, I'm constantly falling out of groove (more out than in if that's possible).

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  2. I love you! Being a mom is way harder than lots of people think, because it drains you in so many ways and you still have to do other things alongside keeping the small humans alive. I'm glad you shared your blah because it makes me feel like I'm not the only one who sometimes feels broken or flailing around. I find my center when I remind myself what's MOST important: My family. My kids, my husband. Everything else, even church callings, are second place and less important. I have to tell myself that ALL THE TIME. Isn't it funny how hard it is to believe and act upon something so obvious and simple and right? I have faith in you. You are a wonderful mama and a GOOD PERSON. Keep it up. Also, I haven't practiced an instrument regularly since I had kids. Go you!

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