Mother's Day(s)

This is one of my favorite pictures of Natalie. 10 months old in Salt Lake with the fluffiest Kitty on our morning walk down Devonshire. It's hard to remember life with just her - probably because it was only 6 months of pure HER before I found out I was pregnant with Stockton. It feels like I've always had three kids - they're close in age and close in spirit and they'll never know life without each other, which I think is amazing.

...aaaaand super exhausting. Exhausting from the guilt (am I doing enough), exhausting from the middle of the night interruptions (Natalie almost always wakes me up to tell me she's going pee and could I please put her back in bed) and early wakeup calls (it's a miracle if our kids sleep past 6:30 most mornings). Exhausting when I need a break but they follow me wherever I go (see above picture when I was trying to "hide"), exhausting when I feel like I can't meet my own social, physical, and mental needs because I'm juggling and managing all of theirs, and then exhausting again when the guilt kicks in. Exhausting when I don't want to complain yet again to my trusted friends but also feel like I'll go crazy if I don't vent.

My children LOVE me, and I know it and feel it every day, but sometimes that love is exhausting! And sometimes it's exhausting to feel such a powerful love for them but also reminisce about the Jessie before kids.

fort building

My friend (hi, Shaina!) blogged about mother's day and appreciation and how if we expect that appreciation we don't appreciate is as much ourselves, and that's really stuck with me this month. Mother's day is our every day, and I need to do a better job aligning my expectations to match my reality. Example: I'd love to nap every day, but realistically that's not going to happen for years, so I need to stop resenting that and just play Queen of the Couch with my kids instead of moping around.

I love the appreciation I feel from my family on the daily and I need to stop living in the past and future and truly enjoy the present. I asked Austin to give me a Priesthood blessing the other day and one of the things he was inspired to say was that I need to learn to be more content in my daily life and current circumstances, and that's exactly right.

my Mother's Day present from Natalie (or rather Miss Kaycee, haha)

I've had lots of opportunities to appreciate motherhood this week, amidst the exhaustion:

Stockton coming over to be cozy with me

finding them like this (by choice!)

 Austin spending time with his lookalike and telling me how much he loves being a dad

 Natalie bringing me a "straw bouquet" when I was trying to hide and have a moment of quiet (cue guilt tears)

 cloud gazing with my beautiful daughter (we found a Basilisk)

 watching their pure joy as I let them loose // holding hands!

My curtains! Stockton didn't pull them down this time - I guess he just needed a break for a few months haha.

snacktime bubbly milk and watermelon giggles (Stockton could literally live off of watermelon)

Jack calls this his "cake" of binks haha

 Watching my children be pals - I imagine it will always be wonderful to witness

 catching the boys reading

 Tea parties and science experiments with Ella...the experiment killed the grass in that spot haha (baking soda and vinegar)

 the joys of a fitted sheet - this kept them entertained FOREVER one afternoon haha

she was really adamant about this picture being taken
(notice the 4-year-old considerably less fluffy Kitty)

I know one day I will look back and be overly nostalgic about these days, so I will continue enjoying them and living them and LOVING these sweet children.