Barnes + Ben and Jerry's

I posted this to Facebook yesterday:

[I had a gift card for Barnes and Noble and the kids were excited about these "1000 facts about...(different topics)" books so I said we could go get them after school. Stockton had a HUGE flaming freakout because I told him we were there for books, not toys, and it was literally 20 minutes of me being calm and collected and trying to safely get us out of the store while holding Claire and shepherding a screaming, crying, flailing Stockton, sweating my buns off and not making eye contact with anyone. It's interesting to watch other people react...one worker and one older lady separately came over and genuinely wanted to help, which was nice, but you can feel the stares and judgement from other people. I'm glad that I have thick skin and it doesn't bother me and that I don't feel the need to tell everyone why he's freaking out or that he has autism, but it still makes me sad that our outings and opportunities are limited because of Stockton's unpredictability.

At the same time, I'm so proud of his progress and grateful that I can be patient and create a safe and happy space for him. Natalie and Jack were amazing and really acted more maturely than their age... Natalie saw me grab Stockton when he was running away and literally took Claire out of my arms to help, and Jack followed me obediently without saying anything, knowing it wasn't a good time to ask questions.

When you see a parent struggling with a screaming child in public, say a little prayer to feel if there is anything you can do to help. Pay their bill, entertain their other children, push their cart, hold the door open or just tell them they are doing a good job. They need to hear it!

(Now we're home and Jack and Natalie are looking at their books together ❤️❤️. Claire is napping, Stockton is having a lil snack, and I'm looking for the Ben and Jerry's I hope is hiding in the freezer.) (It's not. 😭)]

The response I got has been huge! I feel so loved and supported and boosted. I was worn out after this experience but I still had work to do around the house, (see the below picture of the basement after the kids got into the packing supplies) and dinner was in the finishing stages, so I got the kids all situated and went about my business. In the course of a few hours, I had three friends separately bring me Ben and Jerry's ice cream! And Jill venmo'd me money so I could go get some myself. I was so surprised and grateful...Lauren, Emily, and Maria, (and Jill!), thank you for your thoughtfulness. It left me feeling bolstered and capable of continuing on with my head held high. My parents don't live in Lincoln but they tried to get in touch with some of my friends here to bring me ice cream...they even called the grocery store to see if they could deliver some to my door!

If you've read my blog at all you know that I value being real about what is happening in life. It feels hard to admit that it is a heavy load to feel like our son is often holding our family back from "normal" activities. Dealing with a screaming Stockton at the store isn't something that happens every day, but it is something that I always consider before we go on an outing. Will this store make him mad? How can I eliminate triggers so that we can have a successful trip? What about this activity could potentially be a problem for Stockton? It is a hard balance to find between having fun and being spontaneous and doing activities that get us out of the house, while also trying to make sure they are Stockton-proof and won't end in disaster, like our Barnes trip. It is good for Natalie and Jack (and eventually Claire) to understand that we need to be careful about what we do so that Stockton can stay happy and calm, but it can be a lot to ask for a 4- and 7- year old. 

Stockton is smart and capable, but his stubbornness holds him back. When he sits down to do homework, he often gets upset when I try to read him the directions. He decides he wants to do it a certain way and then goes from 0 to 75 when I tell him otherwise, often ending our homework session by ripping up the pages and putting up a fight next time we have to do homework. It's hard to watch him not do as well academically as we know that he could, just because he doesn't want to do it or because he's made a decision about a topic (like homework or spelling) and refuses to change his mind. When they did standardized testing in school this year, Stockton didn't score very well, but his teacher pulled me aside and told me that he knows everything and could have scored high, he just gets mad at certain points during the test and refuses to answer. Stockton isn't naturally disobedient or uncompliant, but it is so hard to coerce him if he is not interested in what you are telling him to do.

Church has been a struggle too. Stockton doesn't want to stay in Sacrament Meeting and gets up to leave and roam the halls throughout the whole block. It's hard to balance not wanting him to disrupt other people by his constant roaming, but also incurring a yelling match if we try to keep him sitting. It's hard when there are other children who are rowdy in primary, but he is the only one who won't sit with his class or stay in the room or sing the songs or even try to listen to the lesson. He'd prefer to just walk around with Dad the whole time. We try to keep church positive and go with the flow to a certain extent, but it is tiresome to leave church each Sunday after another round of unsuccessfully encouraging Stockton to stay in class. 

Our challenges with Stockton will continue to evolve, and we will continue to be patient and loving. Stockton is joyful and smart and has opinions and ideas and loves his little world, despite not understanding all of it. We try to help him navigate these struggles, and when we don't know what to do or it's just been a hard day, Austin and I share a big hug, firm in our love for our special son and grateful that we are still learning.