Whelmed

One of my BK419 roommates in college, Lura (Pura), used to say that she was 'whelmed.' Not so anxious or overcome that you are OVERwhelmed, just heavy enough or worried enough or tired enough to be 'whelmed.' Sometimes being 'whelmed' means that you can't define why you feel down or anxious or on edge or swamped, you just know that you are and it's not full panic mode yet, but you need a hug and a nap. 

I think about that a lot, and I think that I am often 'whelmed' in my life as a mom and sister and daughter and wife and friend. Not completely out of control, not in need of a major course correction or intervention or life change, just not completely satisfied with how I am managing things in my life. 

I felt whelmed this weekend. I don't feel like detailing everything that led me to feel this way but in summary, I was feeling like the priorities and burdens and responsibilities in my life were stacking on top of me higher and higher to the point where I was missing the most important thing: playing with and having meaningful connections with my children every day. 

I hate the all-consuming nature of chores: in order to stay on top of my household, I (with Austin's help) have to do laundry, dishes, cooking, vacuuming, tidying, bed making, bathroom cleaning, grocery shopping, yard pick-up, and whatever else comes up EVERY SINGLE DAY. It is never ending and unforgiving. If I miss a day of dishes, my kitchen gets exponentially worse the next day until I catch up, which is hard to do because I'm already needing to tidy and get the kids dressed and make lunch and then make dinner and then do it all over again the next day. My children do sort of help with chores but that's a completely different topic. 

Amidst trying to keep my household afloat via chores, I also have to deal with bills and phone calls and moving logistics/account transfers etc and supporting Austin in running and his new job and trying to get enough sleep to be able to succeed in my early morning job and oh yeah, I haven't worked out yet today, guess I get to feel guilty about that, and look I have sisters that I am assigned to minister to and I've missed two calls from my mom and stayed up too late texting my brother when he needed some advice and ON AND ON AND ON. 

So in the middle of trying to stay afloat, the thing that constantly suffered was playing with my children. I feel like all I said last week was "sorry, I can't do that right now" "let me finish this real quick and then maybe I can do that with you" "I'm on the phone with someone important, hold on" "no I can't go outside right now, I need to make dinner." Children are forgiving and they are resilient, but after I dropped Natalie off at soccer yesterday I got back in my car and burst into tears because as she went skipping off excitedly to her practice, she turned and waved with a huge smile on her face and said "bye Mom! I love you!" and had no idea what kind of guilt I had been carrying for not being more present with her lately. 

I cried because I don't know how to balance all the needs and duties and pulls on my attention. I don't have enough energy or enough time to do everything every day. I don't enjoy playing on the floor with my kids when my house is dirty. I have a hard time saying yes to arts and crafts when I know it will just compound the mess that already exists because I hadn't gotten to it yet. I know that things don't have to be perfect, and typically I am pretty patient with myself when I have to let things slide, but yesterday I was just WHELMED. 

So I cried and prayed and hurt and took deep breaths, and went about the rest of my day. Nothing dramatic happened to change my situation but even just admitting how I was feeling helped me look forward more hopefully and let go of some of the guilt. I walked to Albertson's with Stockton and Claire. I read a chapter of "Little House in the Big Woods" to Natalie before bed. Jack asked if we could look at his National Parks book together and I said yes. Austin and I folded laundry and stayed up too late finishing two movies that we had previously started, but the together time was more important than sleep last night. I played on the floor with Claire and taught her to "ready, set, go!" I didn't cook healthy meals today but we had good leftovers. My house is not in perfect condition but the dishes are done and Austin swept the entire house.

Now the kids are sleeping and Austin is decompressing with some Psych and I am grateful for some time to write my feelings. I know I can't wear all the hats of motherhood at once, so this week I will try to wear the "focus first on play and creativity" beret and not feel whelmed when other areas slide. 

asleep next to my bed after a bad dream

talking to the moth he just caught